China Barbie

Yesterday, I was having a horrible day! Just everything was going wrong …. by 3pm I was already crying and it only got worst. AND on top of everything I had ended everything with my ex-boyfriend for good, which really hurts me but at the same time it relieves a lot of pain. Later that day, two of my old friends wanted to hang out. I was really STRESSED AND SAD, so I took the offer. We got pedicures and ate Chipotle. It was exactly what I needed, they instantly made me feel better. From there, I happily went to go study.

Last night, I pulled an ALL-NIGHTER. Yeah, they can get rough, but they go by so fast since I usually have a lot of homework to get done. I never pull all-nighters to study …. it just doesn’t work for me. I had an awesome friend doing an all-nighter with me too and he kept me laughing all night. Towards the end, I saw this girl in the bathroom who was in my RC (Recruitment Group). We spent a while in the bathroom talking about school and just everything! I have never talked to her before but it made my night. but we instantly clicked! :) We are total opposites yet we are exactly the same haha …. it’s hard to explain.

When I was leaving the library this morning around 5:30 or so (I had Chemistry Lab at 8am so I needed to go home and shower), I caught the SUNRISE. I love watching the sunrise, it completely made my morning. It just made me realize that this is what makes me happy. At that exact moment, I was the HAPPIEST GIRL in the world. It was like everything that had happened the day before didn’t matter and just watching the sun rise made up for it and somehow made me feel amazing. As I walked home, I couldn’t help but smile and think how much I love my life. Even though I don’t have the time to do as many things that I wish I could do, I do the most that I can even if it means skipping a meal or going all night without sleep. As crazy, busy, hectic and stressful as it could some times get, this is MY LIFE, and I wouldn’t take it any other way. I take every opportunity that life gives me. 

With the two short years that I’ve been in college, I’ve learned that I don’t know what I want and I don’t know where I’m going. BUT I do have a good sense of what I don’t want. The only thing that I’m sure of right now is that I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Relationships in college are so hard. We all live in a fairytale world where we just go to school, study and party. We live in a world where our parents pay for everything and still give us plenty of money to spend as we wish. A world where everyone all of sudden has gain so much “independence” and “maturity” because they’ve made it to college. Boys want you only for them but aren’t willing to make you theirs. We are all of a sudden surrounded by an insane amount of alcohol and where drugs are as easy to obtain as a pedicure.

I’ve had two “relationships” in my college experience. Right now, I guess you can say I’m a bit bitter and still hurt. I know I don’t want to be “fuck buddies” with anyone because personally I’m not the type of girl who you just use. I either want to be just friends or your girlfriend …. I’m not OK with anything in-between. Both my last two relationships ended in the guy just wanting to be “fuck-buddies”. Yet they always tell me I’m beautiful and gorgeous and pretty, yet they are willing to put me in a low position and only use me for their wants.

It makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong or if I’m giving off the wrong vibe? How does “I love having you here with me” turn into “look, I think it’s best if we are just fuck buddies”? If I’m the nicest/sweetest girl they’ve ever met and call me “beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, etc.” …. when did I do something wrong to change their mind?

I recent just ended all my relationships, whether i just loved them or I was in love with them. I just thought it was better for me to not even deal with guys who aren’t willing to treat me right or give me what I want. I have to be a little selfish and focus on me and what I want. That’s ok with me, because for now, I’m not missing anything good!

So my Spring break hasn’t gone as planned. On the first day of Spring Break (Saturday), my ex boyfriend and I got in a huge fight. Although our relationship at the moment was going great (the best it’s ever been in our time knowing each other), we ended up fighting because all he’s been doing is using me. He’s been putting off a talk they we both want to have; a talk with each other either getting our relationship back on track or just ending everything. So we have been talking the minimum that there is to talk about. I still sent him a couple texts being nice or whatever. But he told me he was going to talk to me Thursday night. Thursday night comes along, no call or text. I had woken up in the middle of the night all scared that I had slept through his call or text.

So Friday comes along and I’m thinking of texting him and asking him what was going on but I also kept putting it off. I was busy running errands with my mom all day so I didn’t want to do it during that time, like I wanted a more private place and time where I could just focus on this conversation. That night my step dad invited my mom and I to the movies, so I went (I didn’t have anything better to do).

After the movie, they dropped me off at home. That when I began to debate on whether I should text him or what I should say. I didn’t want to send the wrong impression or start of the conversation in a fight, so I just said, “Hey, so you said you wanted to talk last night, but I didn’t get a call or a text, are you thinking of just letting things how they are now?”.

He didn’t text me for a long time, so I just took it like he didn’t want to talk to me and therefore he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He replied saying that he loved me and cared about me, but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He was more down to just hook up and hang out, but if I didn’t want that, he said that understood because I was a great girl and I deserve the best.

I replied telling him everything I had in mind. I told him how I felt, what I was going to do (blocking him and that I have to do what I have to do to more on), told him what he should do in his next relationship, and that I loved him, but I would do everything in the world to get over him. He took it the wrong way, well just the part that I said that if I needed a rebound, to get over him, that I was going to do it. He started insulting me after I said that and we got in a huge fight.

Some where in that fight he pulled out the beautiful card (telling me I’m sweet and beautiful and all this stuff, BUT he just didn’t want a relationship with me). I’ve heard this way too many times and I let him know that whenever I hear those words, it makes it harder for me to believe I’m beautiful and it also makes it harder to believe the person who telling me that.

We ended the fight badly or at least I ended the fight by just blocking him. The last message that he sent said that I was his girl for more than half the year, even if I wasn’t his girlfriend, and that’s more than he can say about me than any other girl, but that he didn’t want me to regret anything. All I said as a last response was “I regret everything”. I blocked him as I sent that.

The next day, I unblocked him and I told him everything I felt and everything I needed to stay. I pretty much said that even though I love him and care about him a lot, I just couldn’t be in this relationship, because I just couldn’t allow myself to get used. Then I told him that I blocked him so any messages he sent after “I regret everything”, I didn’t receive. He told me that he is willing to be more “consistent” and that he doesn’t regret anything, that he is glad that I have been and I am part of his life.

I let him know that a relationship isn’t like a bet, you don’t either win or lose your money. A relationship is different. When you love someone and you are in a relationship, and that comes to an end, you lose everything. You lose the person , you lose the time spend and you lose yourself because you invest so much love, effort and trust in one person. Also, going from lovers to friends is hard, therefore I wanted to cut off all communication for a while to get rid of some feelings I have for him and be able to heal.

He responded saying that just because he is not going to marry me, it doesn’t mean he is going to run out whenever things get bad, but as a matter of fact he is going to try and keep me there longer. He also said that he would never “screw me over like that” and has done nothing to prove that he would do that, so I’m just making stuff up in my head.

I just stayed strong with my stance about letting everything go for now. 

He kept insisting in me staying in this relationship. He said I’m not going to get the wrong impression with continuing in having sex and talking. He said that if he wants to hook up with me, it’s because he likes me and that there is no reason to get rid of emotions. He even promised that we would do something once a week and if i wanted to sleepover that I could.

I only told him that I would think about it and that I would talk to him later. He has texted me a couple times since then, I haven’t responded. I’m not exactly sure what i’m supposed to do at this point. I love this guy more than words can explain it, but am I just hurting myself in staying in this relationship? Am I really not in love with him and I’m just infatuated? What is the best thing to do in this situation?

So there is a lot going on in my life! OMG I don’t know where to start!!!

Two nights ago, I’m laying in bed, texting, no big deal. Just as my friend tells me he is going to sleep (12:30), I was thinking I should go to sleep too. So, I put my phone on my night stand and lay down. Just as I put it down, there is knocking on my door … well more like thumping. Me being a girl who lives alone I freak out and don’t open the door but me and I can some of my friends who are still in town. (I’m very cautious in letting people in my house. all my friends know that when they are at my house to call or text me, so I know it’s them). The knocking continued, they knocked about 7 times when they started throwing rocks at my window. I immediately freak out and called the cops. When the cops got there, it was an old friend who I had been in foster care with, he asked me a couple nights ago if he could stay but he never showed up, but NOW he shows up, without even letting me know he was here. When I opened the door, there was a pipe laying on my doormat. When one of the 6 officers that showed up asked who’s it was, he immediately said “I found that under your mat” (I don’t smoke, he doesn’t so it kind of pissed me off that he was trying to pin that on me) Me, all mad because he scared the shit out of me, I let him stay the night. But I couldn’t sleep, so by the time it was 6 am I had slept very little.

I had to go to work so I woke him up and said my mom was coming soon so he had to get ready to go. He fell back asleep (which made me mad because again he was trying to take advantage of the situation). I woke him up again and said he had to go. We walked out of my apartment at the same time and I locked my door and left to work. When I get back, my brand new TV and xbox are missing (I had just bought them a month and a half ago, out of my own pocket) and my kitchen window was broken. I immediately knew it was him! No one has been in my house in the past month and every one who knows where I live are on Spring Break. I called the cops and they said they were sending some one out but I had to wait. In the meantime, I called my ex-foster parents to let them know what was going on and if they heard from “him” to let me know. Apparently, he had broken into their home too and although they couldn’t prove that he had done it, they did find that he sold their stuff. I texted him to let him know that I had called the cops. He denied everything. But come on! He is the last person who has been in my house in the past month, knows I was going to be gone all day, and he has a criminal record. No other apartments next to me or around me were broken into. How would anyone know to break into just MY apartment? and know exactly what to steal? Thankfully, my laptop wasn’t stolen (I use it for school, bills, and everything!)

So just letting all you blogger’s know that even though you may call some one your “friend”, even if you have the slightest doubt in them, don’t let them in your house!

Make better decisions than me lol

Hi Everyone! :)

My name is Amy …. I just created a tumblr and I’m not sure exactly what it’s all about.

I will be blogging about:

-What’s going on in my life (updates)

-Questions I have (asking for your opinion on certain matter) 

-The way I feel about certain situations

-Just random photos and quotes

So pretty much everything! lol

Please understand that I am a very busy person! Always on the go! So, if I disappear for a couple days, don’t be surprised. I will try and post an update or question about once of twice a week!

I hope to be hearing from all of you soon!